Oct 2, 2015
After a year of Gods silence, I began to hear Him again last night. After a year of struggle, of question after question, of the countless “Are you there God? It’s me” I began to hear a small voice in the night. I grew excited, thinking He was going to give me some profound way out, a miracle for all my problems and instead He begans to talk to my spirit about the root issues, the problems, the core of it.
And that is how I identified Him.
I received no miracle, no answer to why…instead He began to work on me. He identified the hidden fears, called me forth to answer for some things. I sat humbled, but I was so longing for His voice that I didn’t even care. I could hear Him again! He was talking to me! I was so overwhelmed I burst into tears, with “There you are! Where have you been?! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Anyone else ever chide God this way…?
What He showed me was the inner working of my heart. For years, it was though I could hear Him constantly; I didn’t even ask Him anything at times, He just spoke. He even joked with me, being silly, to make me laugh. Like a friend. And I overcame. I was strong. I was able. I could find Him at anytime, anywhere. But for the past year it was like He left, and with no warning. All of a sudden I was thrown into chaos; nothing made sense. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to be. I was grasping at anything, everything trying to fill that void. I became an emotional mess: I cried all the time; I was angry; I was hurt; I struggled with serious temptation and gave in more and more; I hated who I was. And today, He spoke…into my heart, not even with words just complete realization that without Him I didn’t know me. I wasn’t me. I am so complete with Him that I cannot be without Him. When He is distant to me, I am not.
And I realized this transfers to my marriage as well. We are so intent in our culture to be fiercely independent that we no longer recognize the need to need our husband. The need to become one. Becoming one means that you are no longer you without him; when he withdraws there is confusion and chaos…you need him. I need my husband in the natural like I need God. My marriage represents on earth what my relationship with God is spiritually, and it is supposed to.
When He came close today, I was me again. My heart rejoiced, even in His firm words of correction. I so desired Him with me, and it is because He calls us to aspire ONENESS. I have now seen who I am without Him, and it is not a pretty sight. A Christian still, sure, but a struggling bumbling mess of one. A tired, sad, angry one. An always tempted, never enough failure of one. And I experienced what He is in me with a single breath, a single glace my way: Christ in me.